Behold, he stands at the door and knocks

I have truly fallen far from you, Jesus, though not in the way I would normally mean by "falling" -- it is more that I am aware that my love has grown cold. A prideful voice in me suggests that this awareness is due to some heightened spiritual sensitivity on my part, and that I should give myself some credit for it. Yet who am I that I should boast of spiritual sensitivity? I have done little to increase in that and much to cause a deadening of my senses. No, any sensitivity is purely the work of Grace. It is you, calling me back from the brink of destruction, warning me that I am about to fall headlong into the vast ocean of my passions.

The desires in my heart are breeding and growing out of control. You stand at the door and knock, offering my soul that excellent medicine which is your very self -- perhaps that is why I am avoiding you, because I have grown attached to my present state and realize that letting you in will mean the death of these disordered desires. At least, that is the perception, though in fact you bring order and redemption to the desires of the heart.

Right now there is a certain agony, for I know you are near; I can hear you knocking, calling from just a short distance away. Such tension is unbearable; I will not be able to last much longer. When I can bear it no more, I will either go and open the door and let you in, or I will run away and stop my ears so that I can pretend you are not there. Which will I choose to do? O God do not abandon me! Do not let me stray far from your side, but come and rescue me. If I flee from your presence, come and find me and call me once again.

I am confident of this: You will follow me all the way to the gates of hell itself and extend your hand to me, that I might grasp your hand and be saved. O God, may I have the strength to cry out to you in the hour of my death!

Heaven vs. Hell (or Love vs. Fear)

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I have no fear of hell, for fear and love cannot co-exist. In fact, it is very simple to avoid hell and reach heaven. But why does Jesus say that narrow is the path to eternal life, and few there are who find it? Because of the pride of our hearts We insist on saying with Lucifer, "I will ascend to the heavens" even thought we are powerless to do so. It is simple because Jesus knows the way to heaven, and his will is to take us to be with him there, and whatever Jesus wills he is able to do. All we have to do is entrust ourselves to him. It is like we are little children and between us and heaven there is a vast wilderness fraught with peril and danger.

While it is simple, we may find it very hard to trust him, for he will carry us through many difficult and tyring experiences. Deserts, "dangers, toils and sanres", dark forests, harsh and rugged mountains, frozen tundra, hordes of enemies, perhaps passing by the gates of the Enemy himself. At each state of the journey we will be tempted to succumb to fear and leap from the arms of Jesus and run away and hide. Or in our spiritual myopia, we may think there is a better way, a safer way.

At each of these moments we must cling to Jesus ever more tightly, we must entrust ourselves to him over and over again. We are not smart enough, wise enough, or strong enough to make our own way. Compared to the greatness of that to which we are called, we can barely move a finger. Indeed, it is not so much we who cling to Jesus more tightly, but he who holds us ever closer — if we ask him. He will not hold us against our will, thought it pains him to see us run away.

But do not fear if you have let go of him and have run away; he will come looking for you. Indeed, he already knows where you are. Listen. . . he is gently calling for you, trying to woo you from your hiding place. Raise your head and open your eyes. . . he is already standing at your side, longing to pick you up and carry you again. And, he will follow you all the way to the gates of hell, trying to woo you back to him.

But he will not prevent you from walking through those gates.

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